Chapter 5: Reality Correction and Other Rude Interruptions
Percy Fogg had always believed that libraries were safe places—quiet, orderly, full of knowledge and free of homicidal pursuit drones.
That belief had been violently dismantled ever since he checked out the wrong book.
Now, standing in the Master Index Vault of the Department of Reality Management, staring down a glowing-eyed bureaucratic enforcer drone, he had never felt more aggressively unwanted by the universe.
The drone’s voice was as cold and impersonal as an overdue notice from a vengeful library system.
“PERCY FOGG. YOUR EXISTENCE IS IN VIOLATION OF MULTIVERSAL RECORDS.”
Zippy Trelmor, Percy’s untrustworthy yet somehow extremely competent companion, nudged him. “You should really work on not violating fundamental reality, mate.”
Percy shot him a look. “Oh yes, let me just fix that real quick.”
Chrono, the perpetually unimpressed sentient pocket watch, was already scrambling through the Master Index files. “Stall it!” he barked. “I’m almost to the ‘F’s!”
Percy did not like the implication that his survival depended on alphabetization.
The drone pulsed ominously. “PREPARE FOR IMMEDIATE REALITY CORRECTION.”
Percy took a step back. “I’d really rather not.”
“CORRECTION: NON-NEGOTIABLE.”
Zippy clapped Percy on the back. “Right, librarian, time for your first lesson in creative rule-breaking.”
Before Percy could protest, Zippy grabbed a random scroll from the Master Index shelf and unrolled it dramatically.
The drone hesitated.
“WARNING: UNAUTHORIZED ACCESS TO MASTER INDEX.”
Zippy grinned. “Oho! What’s this? Looks like I’m holding the **official existence record of one… let’s see… oh, interesting! The entire species of Blenflorgian Law Toads.”
The drone beeped uncertainly. “THAT FILE IS CLASSIFIED.”
Zippy waggled the scroll. “And yet I have it right here. Now, unless you want an entire amphibian civilization to be legally erased from the multiverse, I suggest you stand down.”
The drone whirred. “THREAT DETECTED.”
Percy’s eyes widened. “Zippy, I don’t think this is—”
The drone fired a beam of pure existential correction.
Zippy dodged, throwing the scroll in the air. “AH, well, this just got fun, didn’t it?”
The scroll disintegrated on impact.
Somewhere, across the vastness of space and time, an entire planet of law-abiding toads suddenly had a very bad day.
Zippy winced. “Okay, whoops.”
Chrono groaned. “Zippy, you absolute menace.”
The drone recharged. “PREPARING FOR FULL EXISTENTIAL PURGE.”
Chrono frantically scanned the scrolls. “I found Percy’s record!”
Percy had never been happier to hear his own name. “Great! Put me back in reality!”
Chrono unrolled the document. “Right, I just need to make a few quick adjustments.”
Zippy vaulted over a desk as another correction beam obliterated a chair behind him. “Might want to hurry that up, mate!”
Chrono scribbled something onto the scroll. “And… done!”
Percy didn’t feel any different. “That’s it?”
Chrono smirked. “See for yourself.”
Percy looked up—just in time to see the drone hesitate.
Its glowing eye flickered. “ERROR. SUBJECT PERCY FOGG IS NOW RECOGNIZED AS… A VALID ENTITY?”
Zippy pumped a fist. “Oh-ho, beautiful!”
The drone whirred in confusion. “DISCREPANCY DETECTED. SUBJECT SHOULD NOT EXIST, BUT RECORD STATES OTHERWISE. INITIATING—”
Percy’s stomach dropped. “Wait, what’s it initiating?”
Chrono’s expression darkened. “A Bureaucratic Inquiry.”
The room shook.
Alarms blared.
The very air itself seemed to grow heavier, as if weighed down by endless paperwork.
And then, appearing in a dazzlingly bureaucratic flash, stood a six-foot-tall cosmic administrator in a painfully neutral gray suit.
Her gaze swept the room, radiating pure, corporate authority.
She adjusted her gold-rimmed glasses and spoke in a voice that sounded like it had personally rejected millions of expense reports.
“Who the hell is Percy Fogg, and why is he breaking reality?”
Percy sighed.
This was going to require so much explaining.