Chapter 6: The Audit of Doom
Percy Fogg had been through some thoroughly unpleasant experiences in his life—like the time he accidentally double-booked a book club meeting with a toddler’s birthday party, or the time he found out, mid-presentation, that his PowerPoint slides had been replaced with photos of his cat in increasingly ridiculous hats.
But none of those compared to the horrible, existential weight of being personally audited by the Multiversal Bureaucracy.
The administrator who had just materialized in the Master Index Vault looked exactly like someone whose soul had been surgically replaced with policy guidelines and a severe disdain for improvisation.
Her gray suit was so aggressively neutral that it seemed to absorb all joy from the air. Her gold-rimmed glasses reflected pure disapproval. And her clipboard, held with unnerving precision, exuded the kind of bureaucratic menace that could reduce entire civilizations to a mess of red tape and despair.
She took a step forward, and Percy felt an instinctive need to apologize for something.
“Percy Fogg,” she said, her voice sharper than a rejected loan application. “You have been flagged for an unprecedented reality violation.”
Percy swallowed. “Uh… hello?”
She ignored the greeting. “As Chief Existence Auditor for the Department of Reality Management, I am initiating an Immediate and Thorough Inquiry.”
Zippy let out a low whistle. “Oof. They’re pulling out the capital letters. This is serious.”
Chrono groaned. “This is worse than serious. This is pure bureaucratic doom.”
Percy frowned. “Wait, but I’m in the Master Index now, right? Doesn’t that mean I do exist?”
The Auditor’s clipboard flipped open with terrifying efficiency. “Yes. And that is precisely the problem.”
Percy blinked. “I… what?”
She adjusted her glasses. “You were officially erased from existence. And yet, according to this newly updated record, you never stopped existing.” She narrowed her eyes. “That is a fundamental contradiction. And we in the Bureaucracy do not tolerate contradictions.”
Percy turned to Chrono. “You fixed my record, right?”
Chrono hesitated. “Well, I technically… adjusted it.”
Percy’s stomach sank. “What kind of adjustment?”
Chrono coughed. “I may have… slightly reworded your existence status.”
The Auditor raised an eyebrow. “Specifically, he listed you as ‘Anomalous Yet Acceptable.’”
Percy groaned. “And what does that mean?”
The Auditor’s expression darkened. “It means you are now classified as a Provisional Entity, subject to further review, indefinite observation, and potential retroactive correction.”
Percy did not like any of those words.
Zippy clapped him on the back. “Good news, mate! You’re officially too confusing to erase immediately!”
Percy sighed. “That doesn’t sound like good news.”
The Auditor’s pen hovered over her clipboard. “Percy Fogg, due to the… unusual nature of your case, I will allow you to justify your continued existence through a Formal Bureaucratic Hearing.”
Percy blinked. “Wait, I have to convince reality that I deserve to exist?”
Chrono winced. “Yeah, it’s exactly as bad as it sounds.”
Zippy grinned. “Or, worse!”
The Auditor gave Percy a hard stare. “You have one hour to prepare your case. Fail to provide sufficient justification, and you will be permanently reclassified as a Non-Entity.”
Percy gulped. “And that means…?”
Chrono sighed. “You’ll be unwritten from reality so thoroughly that even the concept of you will cease to exist.”
Percy ran a hand down his face. “Great. Perfect. Love that for me.”
The Auditor tapped her clipboard. “One hour. I suggest you use it wisely.”
Then, in a dramatic swirl of procedural inevitability, she vanished.
The vault doors sealed shut behind her.
Percy turned to Zippy and Chrono. “Okay. So. How do I convince the literal fabric of existence to let me stay?”
Chrono rubbed his tiny mechanical temples. “This is going to be the hardest case of my career.”
Zippy beamed. “Luckily, I’m fantastic at making up nonsense that sounds official.”
Percy sighed. “Wonderful. We’re all doomed.”
And thus began the most important legal defense in multiversal history.